Introduction
In this part of the website we have raised some questions that parents often ask and try to offer some useful advice. They address issues like when to start talking about sex, and the language it's best to use. They also attempt to allay the fear that discussing the subject will encourage young people to try it out sooner. In fact, talking about the issues can help delay the age young people first have sex.
We all owe it to young people to make sure they are as informed as possible about sex and relationships.
As one teenager put it, "it sometimes seems as if sex is compulsory, but contraception is illegal". One part of the adult world bombards teenagers with sexually explicit messages, making it appear that sexual activity is the norm. Another part, including many parents and most public institutions, is at best embarrassed and at worst, silent, hoping that if sex isn't talked about, it won't happen. The result is not less sex, but less protected sex. See our Resources Library by for details of all sorts of materials that you can use to help you talk to your children.
FAQ's
If I talk to my children about sex, will I be encouraging them to do it?
One of the fundamental concerns that parents often have is that if we talk about sex, we are going to encourage young people to start having sex earlier than they would have done had we just left the whole subject alone. However, research has shown that this is not the case. The UK Government recently commissioned a widespread report into teenage pregnancy and as part of this, an extensive review of the effectiveness of sexual health education. The overwhelming weight of evidence demonstrates that that programmes focussing on sexuality, information on sex, contraception, STIs and condom availability, do not increase sexual activity and can be effective in delaying the initiation of intercourse, reducing the number of sexual partners and increasing the use of condoms and other contraceptives.
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When should I start talking to my child about sex?
The earlier the better. Very young children start to ask questions about where babies come from. This is a good opportunity to start. If you answer their questions openly and honestly (with simplified language of course), then you are following their lead and providing the information they need to make sense of their world. If they don't ask questions, there are many excellent books aimed at toddlers, which you can use to start discussions around the subject. Children between two and four may also touch their genitals and this is a good time to teach children about the difference between private and public behaviour and also about wanted and unwanted touching. Reading stories can be a useful way of talking about different feelings and relationships.
As children grow, their bodies change and they will have an interest in the differences between females and males. Build on what you have talked about before. Some girls start having periods as early as eight years old, so it's useful to discuss periods by then. Children will notice tampons in the bathroom and you can explain what they are for. Use simplified language, for example: "a woman makes an egg every month and if it is not turned into a baby then it is flushed out of her body, these are for catching the mess". Boys should also be told about periods. In fact boys and girls benefit from finding out about the differences between them. If children are not told about the changes in their bodies during puberty, they may worry that something is wrong. Again there are many useful books and leaflets that you can give to children to support you in explaining things to them.
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To start the conversation you can ask them what they have covered at school. You can ask their teachers if you want to know for sure. Prepare yourself first by finding out about the subject, then you will feel more confident. Use examples from telly programs (soaps are very good) to start discussions about relationships and sex. You can even leave leaflets lying around for them to read. Or you could use the Healthy Respect website to explore the issues with you child. Remember this site is aimed at young people over the age of 13. Use language that you are comfortable with but remember that the language used by young people may be different.
It can be fun to compare the words that you both use. Decide with your child what words you will both use. Talk to your own friends, those who also have children may have similar worries, or they might have good ideas about how to deal with tricky questions or situations. It's important to remember that there are no right or wrong ways of discussing sensitive issues with your children. Be ready to try different approaches until you find one that suits you and your family.
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Try not to panic. Boys and young men can often find it more difficult than girls to talk about sex and relationships. Often boys are more competitive than girls and in this way, they sometimes put more pressure on each other. Sometimes this can lead to a more secretive exploration of sex. Reading pornography or accessing in on the Internet might be your son's way of trying to find out about sex. Sometimes fathers can be reluctant to discuss sex with their sons. You might want to tell your son that you have found the pornography, so you can bring up the subject of sex and relationships. However, you may want to let him know how you feel about it yourself. Without blaming your son, you can discuss the subject and say how you feel. Pornography does not portray or reflect real sex and relationships. It is generally acting and fantasy - if young men only get one side of the picture they are likely to have unrealistic expectations or feel anxious about what will be expected of them in sexual relationships. Many people believe that pornography may be harmless but it could reinforce negative attitudes about power and consent, especially towards women.
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Do you need to say anything? After all, your daughter or son is entitled to privacy and to make their own decisions. You may find it helpful to talk to your partner, friends, other parents to see what they think. Also, consider what you have found out. Here is a young person, who if they are sexually active - is behaving with care, using common sense, respecting themselves and other people, reducing their risk of unplanned pregnancy and infection. These are all signs of maturity and responsibility. Perhaps, when you have a moment with your son or daughter, and you do feel the need to say something, you could explain that you would like to be supportive or be there for them, if they need you. Even if you don't agree with it, at least try to keep the channels open as much as possible: "I don't agree with ... but I respect your right to make your own decisions and I'm pleased you're being sensible... if I can be of any use ...".To find our more about sexually transmitted infections visit our STI section and more information can be found in the safer sex and contraception sections.
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