Talking about sex and relationships isn't always easy. Healthy Respect, and other organisations, are well aware of the difficulties involved for parents or carers in talking to their children about sensitive issues. It's important to take into account differing cultures and beliefs, but also to remember that there is no right or wrong way of discussing sexual health and relationships with young people. Parents should try different approaches until they find one that suits their family.
Here are some quotes about discussing sex and relationships:
Parents
"I felt OK talking to my teenage daughter about sex but she was really embarrassed and didn't want to hear."
Young People
"Dad tried to have a talk to me about what he called 'the birds and the bees'. Perhaps it would have been OK a few years ago, but I'm 16 now."
"My mates have told me lots of things. But I'm glad I can check it out with my parents as some of it's completely wrong, like about girls not being able to get pregnant if it's their first time.”
Communication Tips
Don't Panic!
For many parents the subject of sex can be really embarrassing. Some may have had no real role models to fall back on. Conversations about sex were perhaps non-existent or limited, awkward and one-sided. Talking to children about sex can feel like removing their innocence and some parents decide, therefore, to leave it for as long as possible. The earlier parents start talking openly to their children about bodies and emotions the better.
Don't leave it too late
The earlier parents start talking openly to their children about bodies and emotions the better. When children are very young, just be honest and try to keep it simple. If children’s questions are answered as they come up, without embarrassment, then it will be easier for them (as teenagers) to ask parents and trust the answers they get. Take a look at the FAQs page for some more ideas on when and how to raise issues.
It's good to talk!
Communication is the key. It’s important to overcome any fears or lack of confidence. Before parents even begin trying to tackle the subject of sex, it’s worth thinking about how much time is spent talking and communicating in the family - about anything at all.
Spend more time together
Research commissioned by Healthy Respect shows that spending more time doing everyday things with your kids now will make them far less likely to take risks with drink, drugs and sex when they get older. Spend time with your kids doing things that suit their ages and interests, as shared experiences build affection and trust. This strong foundation will be a good starting point for communication when they’re older about ‘tricky’ topics like sex, relationships, alcohol and drugs. For ideas about everyday activities you and your kids can do together, see our leaflet Parenting – A little guide to making a big difference (Parents Get Healthy Respect).
Talk
Try to increase the amount of time spent speaking to your children. Give them the opportunity to ask things when out and about rather than sitting at opposite ends of a table being formal. Talk when the dishes are being washed or when the telly is on. Situations in soaps can often be a good starting point for discussion around particular issues. They can be a useful way to find out what young people really think. Families that spend time talking together are likely to find it easier to talk about sensitive issues like sex.
Make children feel valued
Ask them what they think about things. Everybody likes to be asked their opinion as it makes them feel their thoughts count. If young people feel valued by their parents, they are more likely to value themselves and this will improve their self-esteem. When young people have self-esteem, they are more likely to take care of themselves and their bodies and it is less likely that they will be pressured into relationships or situations they don't want.
Listen
Listen to what your kids say and pay attention to what they do. Apart from the fact that parents can learn from their children, they might be pleasantly surprised by how much young people think about things and how mature their attitudes can be. Don't just assume there will always be in conflict.
Be supportive and interested in what interests them
Go to their sports days at school, learn about their hobbies and be enthusiastic about their achievements, even the little ones. Ask them questions that show you care and want to know what’s going on in their lives.
Never stop telling them you love them
Especially at those times when things are difficult! Too many young people have ended up in sexual relationships at a very early age, in the mistaken belief that sex equals love. If they feel loved at home they will have a better idea about what they are looking for from a partner.
Think back
Of course sometimes no matter how parents approach it, children may not want to talk about sex and sexual health. Parents can think back to their own experiences as a young person. Here are some questions worth thinking about:
- Did you ask your own parents?
- Can you remember some of the things they told you?
- Did they give you confusing information or a straightforward account of what happens?
- Did your parents talk about emotions and give suggestions for what to do if things got tricky?
- What do you wish that you had been told about sex - before it was too late?
Get the facts right
Sometimes parents just don't know the facts about important issues such as sexually transmitted infections (STIs). As a result, they can lack the confidence to discuss an issue. Find out more about infections by visiting our STI section.
Young people today have to contend with sexual health issues that were not as relevant when many of today's parents were learning about sex. Young people need access to factual information, to help them in the choices that they make. Once parents have the facts they may feel more comfortable discussing them with their children.
Visit the Healthy Respect website as way of opening up the conversation. Our Downloads and Campaigns section has details of useful resources and leaflets to help with getting started.
Don't give up
Of course it's easy to talk about doing these things but in reality it can be difficult to communicate. Some parents might find that they are rewarded by positive responses. Keep trying if it doesn't work at first. Children often act like they don't need anything from parents but the truth is they need understanding and love. For more support see the link below for groups that are there to help.
Tricky issues?
The way people conduct their relationships and deal with their sexual health involves a lot of serious issues. They are subjects that can provoke worry and disagreement - after all parents and carers are deeply concerned for the happiness and welfare of their children.
In our pages in this section, Sexuality and gender, Religion and beliefs and Learning disability, Healthy Respect addresses issues that some may find more challenging. Parents can also visit Useful links for parents and carers for information on other organisations that can give support and advice.
FAQs
Sexuality & Gender
Young People, Sex and the Law - Info for Parents and Carers
Support and Information for Parents and Carers